Was I an inch better? I think I was.
I'm gonna get this.
So satisfying when just know....
Ayrian finally brought his computer in as I'd been telling him to.
All fixed.
And he had a great experience. (Not with me.)
JF recognized him from this blog.
Not today, but when he called out for me yesterday.
Cool.
I'm so lucky to have good friends looking out for me.
So proud of Sam.
Totally found her place.
This is just the beginning.
She is going to do great things. :D
I'm enjoying the latest Sookie Stackhouse.
Even though it's all heavy and paper-y. ;)
And Lindsay laughed so hard she was practically peeing herself, and brought us all along for the ride.
I love that.
One of the special things about where we are.
It was a text gone wrong due to auto-correct, and it was superb.
When I was little, in always wished things like Smurfs were real.
And now I have a house full of Fraggles.
Good stuff.
They are so awesome.
I embrace their uniqueness.
I must get back to Sookie.
I have to know what Eric is hiding and what her cousins are up to.
Muah. <3
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Meets and Greets
It's tough. But it's good.
Baby steps.
You get something wrong, you get something right.
And hopefully the scale starts to tip more towards getting it right.
Meeting all these random people and getting to help them, it's pretty cool.
Just gotta make sure I actually help.
Got some new glasses to help me read the serial numbers.
These eyes are purely for decoration. Not functional.
And another long Sunday.
Always with the long Sundays.
But I'd rather have a longer day than six days.
No more six days.
That was show business, and the hours weren't as long.
And a holiday weekend.
Busy mall.
Ayrian rescued me for lunch.
Although I would have had Lindsay.
He brought his dad. Man, are they alike.
Origins are fun. That piece of the puzzle that suddenly pulls things together.
I'm restless. I feel like there's something I'm supposed to be doing.
And there is. I have a list.
But I don't want to do those things right now.
It's something else.
I'm making myself read my book.
More like I'm making myself stay off the Kindle app.
It's a distracting story.
Oh how I love distractions.
The meeting wasn't bad.
Except for the groups.
I'll just say I didn't like my group, and leave it at that.
I have too many awful things to say.
Why won't he stop?
Back to the book....
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Baby steps.
You get something wrong, you get something right.
And hopefully the scale starts to tip more towards getting it right.
Meeting all these random people and getting to help them, it's pretty cool.
Just gotta make sure I actually help.
Got some new glasses to help me read the serial numbers.
These eyes are purely for decoration. Not functional.
And another long Sunday.
Always with the long Sundays.
But I'd rather have a longer day than six days.
No more six days.
That was show business, and the hours weren't as long.
And a holiday weekend.
Busy mall.
Ayrian rescued me for lunch.
Although I would have had Lindsay.
He brought his dad. Man, are they alike.
Origins are fun. That piece of the puzzle that suddenly pulls things together.
I'm restless. I feel like there's something I'm supposed to be doing.
And there is. I have a list.
But I don't want to do those things right now.
It's something else.
I'm making myself read my book.
More like I'm making myself stay off the Kindle app.
It's a distracting story.
Oh how I love distractions.
The meeting wasn't bad.
Except for the groups.
I'll just say I didn't like my group, and leave it at that.
I have too many awful things to say.
Why won't he stop?
Back to the book....
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Acclimate
I still haven't completely unpacked. Luggage and open bags still stare at me, half-attended to. I suppose its a sign that I still haven't landed. I'm still floating in-between.
I have so much to do, and I actually have some time, but I can't focus. I got my returns to the post office and that was huge. I got some laundry done and ripped some more stuff for my apple tv. (Any guess why it would let me rip a PAL dvd that couldn't be played in my dvd player? How did it even read a PAL disc without yelling at me about regions?)
I hate the hot coming. As I feel it creeping in, I feel as though I hold my breath, not to breath properly again until fall sets in. I used to think it was partly due to having nothing cute to wear, but I have dispelled that theory. Yes, that song lyric is a favorite, but its also 100% true for me.
The Cold Has a Voice
And it Talks to Me
As I scrubbed through the ripped concert searching for that song, and landed on many years of snippets of lyrics. Cold is a very popular theme. So do I like cold because of them? Or is it that part of why I connected so deeply to them, is that they share my understanding of cold? Hard to say after all these years.
I'm really experimenting with my netflix and letting it suggest all kinds of B movies from the 40s. I've seen a lot of kooky stuff lately. But I made a huge mistake with one. It tends to also suggest dark films (can't think why) and I decided I would watch Teeth. I was wrong. It actually made me nauseous and I had to turn it off. Wow. Watcher Beware.
Have I mentioned how much I love my silly little house? Right now its taking a rather thorough beating from the wind, but the creaks don't bother me. This place is like a cocoon for me. Reflections of my kooky self evident everywhere. And that kind of expression comforts me. Yeah, she's tiny. But she's snug. And Victorian houses were small little boxes much of the time in England- maybe that's part of my comfort and affection. I do love Victorian homes.
My arm itches. My 'burn' tattoo hasn't made much progress, but I suppose the itching is a good sign.
I'm reading the latest Sookie Stackhouse book. And I'm having to force myself to hold the book and not buy it on the kindle app, with the book sitting right here. That's weird. When did that happen? I've always loved reading big, heavy books. Suddenly I want light and self-lit. I don't know how I feel about that. Just one more thing to add to the list of changes.
Well, back to my heavy-ass book. The more I stall, the longer it will take to get back to the iPad....
Thursday, May 26, 2011
The end of the beginning
Weird day.
Still confused when I open my eyes in the morning.
I don't know what I'll see.
Still surprised to see my bedroom, and not the big window of my hotel room.
I've been back a week, but I'm still totally lost.
I don't suppose it helps that I still just leave BBC on all the time.
Maybe that was the source of the issue all along. Ha.
Man I was happy to see Lindsay's face today. That little cherub smile just totally relaxed me. It told me someone was gonna have my back all day and that the ass wouldn't be able to touch me.
Although I feel kinda bad.
I think I got him in trouble.
Didn't mean to.
Even if he did bring it on himself.
Damn, I've really missed the ice here.
Eating in Atlanta was so strange.
Much happier on my ice diet ha ha.
I still miss Persephone. I still feel like a part of me is gone.
Sometimes I lay in the bed and imagine her laying next to my head like she would do. That helps a little.
I love working at this mall.
It's so pretty.
I never thought I would ever find any part of Vegas pretty.
But all the trees and shops- they just did a great job.
Ha ha my tattoo still looks like I got in a fight with a wood burning tool.
I may very well have to fix that one...
Such concern in people's voices when they comment on my burn....
Chris Isaak is playing on the mall soundtrack.
I kinda miss him.
He actually makes me think of summer in a positive way.
I should try to go see him again.
***********
Sooooooooooo much better. Eliminating that one element from my day completely made it better. So there's the trick. Just ignore his rude ass.
It went so much more smoothly today. I begin to feel as though I will get this. And now that I really know I have so much more support than not, I actually found myself enjoying things again. I <3 my team. And the ass brought whatever crap storm he lands in on himself.
My first week down and nothing broken. Nothing ruined. No awful customer situations.
Weird shit going on around me. You think I don't see it, but I do. I always do. I'm an observer. That's why I'm so good at talking and saying absolutely nothing. Because I'm actually observing.
It's so funny- I am so helpfully warned to stay away from so many people. Sometimes by the people I've been warned away from. I should probably pay more attention to all of it. Give it more weight. But I can't. I know she's going to burn me again, but I adore her, so what can I do? It's that kind of thing. I just have to be who I am. Besides, it's not like my heart can truly get any more shattered. So I figure I'm good. ;)
I want to dye my hair. But I don't think it can take it. I may chance it anyway. We'll see. It's amazing how much better I feel on my ice diet ha ha. More alive even. Makes absolutely no sense.
Again I have to thank DomDom. So helpful. Just exactly what I need.
So stabbing yourself in the eye with a plastic fork, not such a good idea. Just throwing that out there.
I love my little Fraggles, and I'm off to spend some time with them.
<3
"Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more." - Mark Twain
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Still confused when I open my eyes in the morning.
I don't know what I'll see.
Still surprised to see my bedroom, and not the big window of my hotel room.
I've been back a week, but I'm still totally lost.
I don't suppose it helps that I still just leave BBC on all the time.
Maybe that was the source of the issue all along. Ha.
Man I was happy to see Lindsay's face today. That little cherub smile just totally relaxed me. It told me someone was gonna have my back all day and that the ass wouldn't be able to touch me.
Although I feel kinda bad.
I think I got him in trouble.
Didn't mean to.
Even if he did bring it on himself.
Damn, I've really missed the ice here.
Eating in Atlanta was so strange.
Much happier on my ice diet ha ha.
I still miss Persephone. I still feel like a part of me is gone.
Sometimes I lay in the bed and imagine her laying next to my head like she would do. That helps a little.
I love working at this mall.
It's so pretty.
I never thought I would ever find any part of Vegas pretty.
But all the trees and shops- they just did a great job.
Ha ha my tattoo still looks like I got in a fight with a wood burning tool.
I may very well have to fix that one...
Such concern in people's voices when they comment on my burn....
Chris Isaak is playing on the mall soundtrack.
I kinda miss him.
He actually makes me think of summer in a positive way.
I should try to go see him again.
***********
Sooooooooooo much better. Eliminating that one element from my day completely made it better. So there's the trick. Just ignore his rude ass.
It went so much more smoothly today. I begin to feel as though I will get this. And now that I really know I have so much more support than not, I actually found myself enjoying things again. I <3 my team. And the ass brought whatever crap storm he lands in on himself.
My first week down and nothing broken. Nothing ruined. No awful customer situations.
Weird shit going on around me. You think I don't see it, but I do. I always do. I'm an observer. That's why I'm so good at talking and saying absolutely nothing. Because I'm actually observing.
It's so funny- I am so helpfully warned to stay away from so many people. Sometimes by the people I've been warned away from. I should probably pay more attention to all of it. Give it more weight. But I can't. I know she's going to burn me again, but I adore her, so what can I do? It's that kind of thing. I just have to be who I am. Besides, it's not like my heart can truly get any more shattered. So I figure I'm good. ;)
I want to dye my hair. But I don't think it can take it. I may chance it anyway. We'll see. It's amazing how much better I feel on my ice diet ha ha. More alive even. Makes absolutely no sense.
Again I have to thank DomDom. So helpful. Just exactly what I need.
So stabbing yourself in the eye with a plastic fork, not such a good idea. Just throwing that out there.
I love my little Fraggles, and I'm off to spend some time with them.
<3
"Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more." - Mark Twain
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Support
Holy crap support makes a difference.
Did I screw up? Sure. But was it the end of the world? Did anyone talk to me like I was a naughty 5 year old that should know better? Nope.
Because I had support.
When I veered off the path, I just got steered back on, as it should be.
Thank you Stephen.
Thank you Dominique. (She even sent support messages. <3)
Thank you Armando.
Thank you Lenny.
You guys made all the difference. *muah*
Heard from Tiffiny again. Glad we're keeping in touch. She's just... Tiffiny.
Ayrian joined me for lunch. That was super fun. Wish we could do that more often. Good friends are worth everything. I think he actually sees me. I may have said that before, but it bears repeating. I can't say how much I appreciate being truly seen and then still adored ha ha..... ;) Rare gift, that. And I treasure it as well as his friendship.
And again, it goes back to support. I have his support, too. He had some interesting comments about what he surveyed. :D
There's still a piece missing. I was tempted to ask Mr Blue if he has a waiting list I could sign up for....
But seriously, so there's one piece missing. That's really not so bad.
Because I have support.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Did I screw up? Sure. But was it the end of the world? Did anyone talk to me like I was a naughty 5 year old that should know better? Nope.
Because I had support.
When I veered off the path, I just got steered back on, as it should be.
Thank you Stephen.
Thank you Dominique. (She even sent support messages. <3)
Thank you Armando.
Thank you Lenny.
You guys made all the difference. *muah*
Heard from Tiffiny again. Glad we're keeping in touch. She's just... Tiffiny.
Ayrian joined me for lunch. That was super fun. Wish we could do that more often. Good friends are worth everything. I think he actually sees me. I may have said that before, but it bears repeating. I can't say how much I appreciate being truly seen and then still adored ha ha..... ;) Rare gift, that. And I treasure it as well as his friendship.
And again, it goes back to support. I have his support, too. He had some interesting comments about what he surveyed. :D
There's still a piece missing. I was tempted to ask Mr Blue if he has a waiting list I could sign up for....
But seriously, so there's one piece missing. That's really not so bad.
Because I have support.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Timey-Wimey
I don't think I was gone long enough to have forgotten how to drive. But my drive to work today was dodgy at best. I was a straight up menace. Sheesh.
Grrr I hate this limbo feeling. I feel like I'm out of phase. Like I'm only partly here. Like when Geordi had his transporter accident or when the Doctor had to save all those planets from being like one second out of time sync with the rest of the universe.
Man I have a nose for finding what's not mine. If only I could find a way to make that profitable in some way. So far it's just been detrimental to my health. Someday totally has to be my day. Just has to, right?
I love the Vampire Diaries. I have admitted this guilty secret before. But there's a subtle theme that runs through it that seemed to catch my attention more in the last couple episodes of the season. In their universe, vampires have a switch. They can just flip the switch and have no emotions. Or they can leave it on and feel things even more intensely. I find myself wanting the switch. I think a lot of people want the switch. I think people search out their own form of the switch whether they know it or not. But for me, something has shifted so profoundly that my work-arounds have ceased to function. So everything is there, hammering at me all my waking hours. I can't turn it off. In some ways it's cool because everything is so sharp. But again, as I said, everything is so sharp.....
I know what I want. And I know that I need to appreciate that. I've always known pieces of it. It has just wound around and changed and gone back through time. But the picture is more clear than it has ever been. But OK, so I know. Now what? I need action items....
I have no idea what this Friday the 13th tattoo is going to turn into. Right now everyone thinks I was burned. That makes me giggle.
So there was a drawer open behind the bar and I of course walked right into it. Like there was a magnet. Full speed ahead into the steel drawer. I bounced off of it I hit it so hard and right into Bobby. Told you I was a menace. Stephen said I should do yoga. I told him that I do- and I do it well. I can even dance on a stage gracefully. Walking, however, seems to be a supreme challenge that I am not up to. I can actually feel the bruise through my jeans. Ick.
Actually got a chance to talk to Lenny a bit today. So glad Joseph is gone. Having Lenny just shines that much brighter of a light on Joseph's failings. It's funny though, he doesn't seem to understand my discombobulation either. Maybe I am reacting strangely. It doesn't really matter. This is me. And my stride is off. Eh. It'll come back.
It's funny to think, but I'm old. Not in my heart. Not in my mind. But I've been wandering this earth for a long ass time. Huh. It makes me think. Not that that's a hard thing to do. But as another birthday just passed and was largely ignored, I can't help but not ignore. It shapes the way you see things.
****
OK that completely sucked. I completely sucked. I find that I really hate being out there without support. Which is kinda weird for someone who likes standing alone. I see that. But I made it up as I went along cause no one was there and then got totally unhelpful feedback about mistakes I made because I didn't know the alternatives. I'm gonna suck sometimes. But I gotta have support and help. Not ass. And though I asked the ass to stop many times, it just kept going. That's so not helpful. I have good intent. I will make mistakes. It's going to be really hard to improve while being shit on.
And maybe getting my head literally knocked into the steel wall didn't help either.
I think I feel the worst about Val thinking I'm no good. Bobby can be as shitty as he wants. But I hate disappointing Val.
Got a message from Tiffiny. That was so unexpected and so awesome. Miss that girl. She was so fun. She misses me too, she says. :)
Dammit where's that switch.
It'll get better when I shift back into phase. When my universe is only in one place again. No good when it's just a timey-wimey mess.
Oh if only there was a blue box......
I want my Ayrian. As I passed, the house was dark. Poo.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Grrr I hate this limbo feeling. I feel like I'm out of phase. Like I'm only partly here. Like when Geordi had his transporter accident or when the Doctor had to save all those planets from being like one second out of time sync with the rest of the universe.
Man I have a nose for finding what's not mine. If only I could find a way to make that profitable in some way. So far it's just been detrimental to my health. Someday totally has to be my day. Just has to, right?
I love the Vampire Diaries. I have admitted this guilty secret before. But there's a subtle theme that runs through it that seemed to catch my attention more in the last couple episodes of the season. In their universe, vampires have a switch. They can just flip the switch and have no emotions. Or they can leave it on and feel things even more intensely. I find myself wanting the switch. I think a lot of people want the switch. I think people search out their own form of the switch whether they know it or not. But for me, something has shifted so profoundly that my work-arounds have ceased to function. So everything is there, hammering at me all my waking hours. I can't turn it off. In some ways it's cool because everything is so sharp. But again, as I said, everything is so sharp.....
I know what I want. And I know that I need to appreciate that. I've always known pieces of it. It has just wound around and changed and gone back through time. But the picture is more clear than it has ever been. But OK, so I know. Now what? I need action items....
I have no idea what this Friday the 13th tattoo is going to turn into. Right now everyone thinks I was burned. That makes me giggle.
So there was a drawer open behind the bar and I of course walked right into it. Like there was a magnet. Full speed ahead into the steel drawer. I bounced off of it I hit it so hard and right into Bobby. Told you I was a menace. Stephen said I should do yoga. I told him that I do- and I do it well. I can even dance on a stage gracefully. Walking, however, seems to be a supreme challenge that I am not up to. I can actually feel the bruise through my jeans. Ick.
Actually got a chance to talk to Lenny a bit today. So glad Joseph is gone. Having Lenny just shines that much brighter of a light on Joseph's failings. It's funny though, he doesn't seem to understand my discombobulation either. Maybe I am reacting strangely. It doesn't really matter. This is me. And my stride is off. Eh. It'll come back.
It's funny to think, but I'm old. Not in my heart. Not in my mind. But I've been wandering this earth for a long ass time. Huh. It makes me think. Not that that's a hard thing to do. But as another birthday just passed and was largely ignored, I can't help but not ignore. It shapes the way you see things.
****
OK that completely sucked. I completely sucked. I find that I really hate being out there without support. Which is kinda weird for someone who likes standing alone. I see that. But I made it up as I went along cause no one was there and then got totally unhelpful feedback about mistakes I made because I didn't know the alternatives. I'm gonna suck sometimes. But I gotta have support and help. Not ass. And though I asked the ass to stop many times, it just kept going. That's so not helpful. I have good intent. I will make mistakes. It's going to be really hard to improve while being shit on.
And maybe getting my head literally knocked into the steel wall didn't help either.
I think I feel the worst about Val thinking I'm no good. Bobby can be as shitty as he wants. But I hate disappointing Val.
Got a message from Tiffiny. That was so unexpected and so awesome. Miss that girl. She was so fun. She misses me too, she says. :)
Dammit where's that switch.
It'll get better when I shift back into phase. When my universe is only in one place again. No good when it's just a timey-wimey mess.
Oh if only there was a blue box......
I want my Ayrian. As I passed, the house was dark. Poo.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Monday, May 23, 2011
And it begins
It's so strange to find a familiar place so suddenly unfamiliar.
Who are these people?
Why does that cute boy only 'sort of' have blue hair?
And what the hell is a hipster? Didn't they go out in like the 50's or something?
What the hell happened with the buckets and iRepair?
Is Tara P mad at me for something? I feel stabs of negativity strongly sent in my direction.
How on earth could the mobile devices have gotten even worse while I was gone? I seriously cannot get one to cooperate properly. Which doubly blows as I'm still constantly on the mobile queue.
I think I was rude to someone on accident. But I honestly don't even know where I stand with him, so I don't know if it even matters. But I guess it bothers me. I didn't mean to be rude. But he caught me off guard. I mean, I didn't expect to see him, and I suppose I didn't even expect him to talk to me. But then my face must have done that thing it does, cause he looked all hurt. Oops.
I am still totally caught between time zones.
Having Lenny around is pretty freakin' cool.
Having Lindsay call out is not cool.
Seriously, what's with the blue hair?
Valerie's hair was super awesome today. Just brilliant.
Mia is still a cunt.
I really hate having to look at her.
And I hate it even more when other people are nice to her when they don't mean it. Boils my blood, that.
Val and I discussed it, and we decided that these new hipsters are just like the old ones. I feel better.
The bar is better than teaching. Period.
I've been getting an awful lot of "I missed you". Didn't see that coming. Totally didn't. Never thought for a second anyone would miss me. I mean, why? Truly?
There's a girlfriend I bet. There always is.
I like helping people. Even when I'm freaking crazy tired. And damn am I tired. I want to sleep for like a month.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Who are these people?
Why does that cute boy only 'sort of' have blue hair?
And what the hell is a hipster? Didn't they go out in like the 50's or something?
What the hell happened with the buckets and iRepair?
Is Tara P mad at me for something? I feel stabs of negativity strongly sent in my direction.
How on earth could the mobile devices have gotten even worse while I was gone? I seriously cannot get one to cooperate properly. Which doubly blows as I'm still constantly on the mobile queue.
I think I was rude to someone on accident. But I honestly don't even know where I stand with him, so I don't know if it even matters. But I guess it bothers me. I didn't mean to be rude. But he caught me off guard. I mean, I didn't expect to see him, and I suppose I didn't even expect him to talk to me. But then my face must have done that thing it does, cause he looked all hurt. Oops.
I am still totally caught between time zones.
Having Lenny around is pretty freakin' cool.
Having Lindsay call out is not cool.
Seriously, what's with the blue hair?
Valerie's hair was super awesome today. Just brilliant.
Mia is still a cunt.
I really hate having to look at her.
And I hate it even more when other people are nice to her when they don't mean it. Boils my blood, that.
Val and I discussed it, and we decided that these new hipsters are just like the old ones. I feel better.
The bar is better than teaching. Period.
I've been getting an awful lot of "I missed you". Didn't see that coming. Totally didn't. Never thought for a second anyone would miss me. I mean, why? Truly?
There's a girlfriend I bet. There always is.
I like helping people. Even when I'm freaking crazy tired. And damn am I tired. I want to sleep for like a month.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
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