Ice

I don't think there is enough ice to keep me satisfied.
I find that deeply saddening.
I'm going to have to buy trays to supplement my ice maker.
Boo.


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Night Shift

I love working at night. I really was born to. I'm so much more alive.
I feel so much more like myself.
And you actually have to force me to take a break from repairs.
The feeling of accomplishment, knowing I'm getting better, and that I'm helping people. I just really love it.
And I honestly feel like I'm in my own skin at night. Not the shell I slip into for daytime.
I took the time to pin up my hair and put on mascara.
I got so much done today.
And I've discovered I need an external TB drive for my iTunes. Good lord.
Though I am enjoying compiling the library...

Oh, and if I haven't said, go see Frankie at Quick Draw Tattoo. Seriously the best I've found. I'm getting a fantastic response from random customers, so that's a pretty good test. :)

And I'm not above shameless begging. I have been waiting for the late shift for three years. (Also not opposed to 9 or 10. It's the 11s and 12s that I am absolutely over. :D ) Just sayin...

And thanks again everyone for your support. No matter how much weirder things get around me, I have this amazing group of people around me. Means so much to me. :-*



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Location:Villa Fiori Ave,Las Vegas,United States

Faster, better, stronger

I can honestly see an improvement. Phew.
I was so worried about that.
So concerned about letting people down.
But I'm really getting the hang of this.
And I honestly enjoy what I'm doing.

Now if only there was a way to make everything else better.
Guy interested in me thinks it's ok to insult Cyndi Lauper.
Tool.

Another promises friendship and loyalty freely, but I'm afraid he's not telling the truth.

And that girl. I don't hate her, I don't wish her harm. But I have every reason to think she wants that for me, and I am frightened of what I may do if pushed too far. When threatened, I will go to any lengths to protect me and mine.

My anger is never really that far away. More like a well chained beast. But every beast breaks it's chains now and again.

I love working with Lindsay. I feel supported, I learn so much, and then there's the part where we laugh constantly.

And I may not say it, but I really appreciate the quiet loyalty of others. Yes, I'm looking at you JF. And a ton of others. I appreciate you more than you know.

OK, first line. I'm rather horrified. It's in my forehead. No idea how it got there. But I'm going to see what I can do to stop it now...

Enough of this heat. Back to the grind...


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So.

Who taught Emma how to bark?
Why are some people so lazy?
The wind tonight is actually quite lovely. It's made it bearable outside.
When I see spectacularly bad films, I question my decision not to make the good ones I know that I could.



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Saturday Morning

I hit the Pandora button on my TiVo and it just started playing Duran Duran. Not only is Pandora just about the coolest thing ever, but what really makes me giggle is that the speakers on my TV are better than the stereo speakers I had when this stuff was new. And now for some "Don't You Forget About Me".

Man, John Hughes really shaped my generation.

.....

I'm finding it very difficult to find the appropriate words to describe how I feel lately.

I'm so happy to be alone.

I'm so disgusted at people's behavior.

I love my dogs.

I miss my cat. A lot.

Lone Pine

Went to Cowboys & Indians with Stinky and her bestie. Really quite a lot of fun. Looks like it was filmed in Lone Pine, like all the old westerns were.

It was nice to get out of the house. Though I've finally been enjoying being in it.

It's so good to have my home back. So very awesome. It's so peaceful and lovely at home.

A friend recently pointed out that every time I am nice to anyone it ends badly for me. And the sad bit is that he's totally right. The more generous I am, the worse it is for me. Isn't that backwards or something?

I'm finally getting into a stride at work, and she's trying to ruin it for me.

And I don't even know how to describe what he's doing. Really? I mean really? I'm so much better than that. Completely illogical.

There is a pit in my stomach at the thought of what lies ahead.

Ugh. I'm going to bed.

Lyric

Today was rough.
Who knew caffeine could cause so much drama?
I bounced off the bottom again.
I don't even know how I got there.

No matter what I tried, I just couldn't get past it.
But now the day is done and I can start over.
I mean, tomorrow has to be better.

Lyrics from songs faded through my head like pieces of half finished stories.
Bits and pieces of my life past or not yet lived.
Never an entire tune.
Just a whisper.
But constant and unrelenting.

It mirrored my fragmented self.
All the bits of me that are just floating in the same general area, but not actually connected.

Maybe if I complete the song, the fragments will lessen.

Rainbow is doing Oliver (again) this season.
That was the first show I was ever in with them.
I'm toying with the idea of having it be the last show, too.
Full circle.
I have a feeling I could nail the part of Nancy.
Which would be so much more fun than playing one of the orphan boys like I did back then.
If I'm not mistaken, Oliver was when I met Ayrian too.
A production long after mine, he was also an orphan boy.
Hmmmm....
Something to consider.
Hell, it'd be fun for a bunch of us to try for it.
I think Tim played Sykes that last time too.
We could get the gang back together again for one last hurrah.

And there goes another lyric...
Butterfly, butterfly....


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Location:Villa Fiori Ave,Las Vegas,United States

My Day

I put Emma's new tag on so I can take her wherever I like.
I made a feeble attempt at cleaning up last night's mess from dinner.
Ashley, Ayrian, and I sure did spread out the pizza mess all over.

I went to a new Dr. and he actually knows what the hell he's doing.
I may actually get to sleep at night.
Man, that would be so great.
But I've been ordered to give up caffeine. No black tea. :(

Checked in with Ayrian since his phone was dead. Felt so weird and old-fashioned to be stopping by someone's house to communicate. Thank goodness he's just down the street.
So we made plans to get the phone fixed later and I popped off home.
Put some furniture together, as I do.
The time came and went and no sign of the boy.
Dead phone though still.
Lowered my own phone bill some more on the line I hardly use.
One more thing accomplished.
Then a knock.
And off to the store we were to get the phone fixed.
Ah, communication restored.
Claim Jumper for food and laughter. And ice of course.
Then to Fry's for a drive enclosure and blood for the fridge.
Walgreens for new prescription and Ayrian in the toy aisle talking to some random guys, as he tends to do.
Ace for something to fix my garage door that was making a death sound.

Home again and he's off to fix the door and Ashley is in the kitchen making dinner. Making me eat. Healthy stuff too.
It was all so very domestic.
He proudly shows us the fixed door.
She serves up food.
He wants to go check in on his woman, so just me and Ash for dinner this time.
He's made a good choice and I'm so happy for him.
Though it does remind me of what I don't have.

And then it's like nine and we're both ready for bed. So sad.
I could say we both had really long days.
That would even be true.
But seriously?
In bed at nine?
Alone?
Sheesh.

In so many ways today was an inner struggle.
But it was also an afternoon out with my bestie.
Lindsay made him smile and that is just one of the best sights.
And Jim regaled him with fantastic Teller stories.
That high pitched squeak of a laugh with the crinkly smile is just magic to me. Makes me smile just thinking about it.
I never have to translate.

Still my mind raced.
What you want and what is actually good for you seem to rarely be in harmony.
I wanted to reach out. The pull was so very strong.
What harm could it do?
But I know I can't. It's no good. It's not healthy.
Oh but the struggle.
Even now it's so strong.
So I'll find a way to distract myself.
Before I make a mistake I can't take back.


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Novel idea

Here's a novel idea.
I'm getting some comments (from the lurkers) that they don't understand some of what I'm saying.
Well I know this is way out there, but why don't you ask me?
Leave a comment!
Text me!
Post on my wall!
Tweet!
You could even go way out and call!

I'm actually rather accessible, and as this blog is open, there are no secrets, nothing I don't stand behind.

And thanks Clark.
I thought that was pretty funny, too.
You shoulda seen the guy....
He looked so very bewildered. ;)


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Location:Villa Fiori Ave,Las Vegas,United States

See

I see a lot of greenery that shouldn't actually be here, but makes it pretty all the same.
I see the misters are on and wonder how much water they waste.
I see a lot of people walking very slowly.
I see more girls than I should wearing ridiculous heels.
I see this beautiful cup of crushed ice in front of me.
I see a stupid red truck that's been parked there way too long.
I see a guy with a bluetooth that doesn't look like he actually understands what's in his ear.
I see people wearing things you'd have to threaten me in a really good way to get me to wear.
I see the empty chair across from me that is supposed to be filled with my beautiful Ayrian.
I see the absence of his smile.
I see that his phone is off and he's probably handling a crisis. Or just fucking around.
I see that it is definitely ice cream season.
I see tons of babies in strollers. And I see that I'm glad they belong to someone else.
I see a creepy lurker guy walking way too slowly for it to be the heat.
I see peacefulness. The lull brought on by the heat actually has value.
I see that I seem to have purists out there reading my crap and not bothering to comment. Yes, I'm looking at you.
I see the the same armored truck lady I just saw in our store going into another one. And I see that is a job I would not want.
I see that bench from here. And I see that I don't harbor it the ill will I once did. And I see that I am pleased.
I see that I am completely alone, and that I'm pretty good company.
I see that I am quite curious as to what others would say on the subject.
I see shades of grey, but hardly ever black and white.
I see older people holding hands and it makes me smile. Happy and envious at the same time.
I see that there must be a million things right in front of me that I'm missing.
I see people going about their business, and not one of them has had their face buried in their phone. Cool.
I see people dressed too warmly and seriously regretting it.
And I see that I should get back to work....

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Location:Coffe Bean, Town Square

Discuss

I have a topic I would like to seriously talk about.
I want everyone's honest opinion.
I think we could have a good dialogue about this.

Gender roles have kinda gone to hell.
Consequently, we find ourselves making it up as we go along.

What I want to know is, what makes a person intimidating?
What makes them desirable?
What happens when you find just what you want, and that scares you?

And yet amongst this, we have a fair amount of people running off and getting hitched.

So what are your thoughts?
Your honest true thoughts?
I really want to understand this.
You can be anonymous if you want.
I just want to know what everyone thinks.

Thanks.


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Location:Heaven or Las Vegas

Second Go

First half of shift was mac queue, and I did good.
I helped people.
And I worked with Jim and it was awesome teamwork.
Little by little, I get better every day.
Things fall into place.
I can take the time to think about it. I do know it- it's in there somewhere.
And not so hard to access anymore.

So despite my Dr fiasco, I still feel a bit better.
Since I can't get help right now, I have to do it myself.
I'm just working that much harder, and the rest makes that possible.
I'm so determined to get to where I need to be.
I just have to remember not to overdo it.
That is definitely a problem for me.

Erik is coming to the store and that makes me SO happy.
I'll be seeing his shy, hidden little smile all the time and that's gonna be so awesome. Having him back after all this time will be such a great thing. Just having him around makes me happy. :)

So my sister is swearing off men for a while, and I can't say I blame her.
The weird bit was listening to her list of the exact same complaints I have.
Not second best, not afterthought, not consolation prize. Wow.
What exactly is so scary about strong women?

I was talking to Ashley about it. About how I seem to have the effect of, "Run away! Run away!"
She said I was the rabbit from Monty Python- which is exactly what I was saying- and we had a good laugh. But it's pretty sad all the same....

So Ashley was making pasta with mushrooms for dinner.
But she had no sauce.
So I'm not really sure what's gonna happen.
But I am actually gonna consume mushrooms, and that's an event in itself.
I did say I was determined to get better. Even if it means eating mushrooms....


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Location:Coffe Bean, Town Square

Crap

I just lost my whole post.
Now I have to rewrite it.
I hate Facebook.


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Ice

So I've discovered that I eat so much ice that the poor icemaker can't keep up with me. Literally.

Holy crap.

I had no idea I ate that much ice.

I ventured into doing my own gel nails. I totally did it. No more crazy expensive manicures.

I searched for a new Dr. Called the insurance company and everything. They gave me names to call. I'm on waiting lists. Yikes. But if I can find a Dr that doesn't have his head up his ass, I guess its worth the wait.

In the meantime, however, that means I'm on my own. I will try my hardest to do the best I can, but this might be a bit bumpy. Sorry in advance.

Chemicals

So it's not really a secret, though I don't spend my spare time discussing it, but I have a rather severe anxiety disorder. I've been treating it for a while.
Sometimes it's like it's not there, and sometimes- like the past few days- I talk too fast and my heart palpitates and I have nightmares and I hyperventilate.... I could go on, but you get the idea.

But here's the kicker.
I would actually like to get better.
I would like this to be a mere side note.
A side effect of my eccentricities.
But when I told my Dr I wanted to get better, he just stared at me.
He told me I should have a positive conversation with myself.
I told him I already do that all the time- that's how I manage to do as well as I do.
Then he said there was nothing more he could do for me and handed me a prescription for the same stuff I already have.
I spoke of active things to try to combat this, like gardening and getting my dog certified as a therapy dog, and it was like I was speaking Russian all of the sudden.
I still can't get over the way he stared at me.
And when he wrote me a note for work, he complained that there would be a lot of paperwork involved. I said it was OK, I didn't really need one, but then he seemed to feel like he had to write it anyway.
So I made sure it was within the limit where I don't actually need a note.
I'd hate to think what would happen if he had more paperwork... (?WTF?)

Aren't we supposed to try to better ourselves?
Aren't we supposed to try everything we can?

I already contacted my healthcare people and requested a new Dr.
This is silly.
A goofy chemical imbalance is interfering in my life and I want to make it stop- and without just having random pills thrown at me all the time.
That can't possibly be too much to ask.

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Location:Villa Fiori Ave,Las Vegas,United States

River

I find that anxiety and stress are overwhelming me right now and I don't like it. So I'm looking into making Emma a service dog. No lie. Want to take her around with me like a little stress pill.

This weekend is the mid-season finale of Doctor Who. We find out who River Song is. I wonder if any of my suspicions are right.
I have a feeling the episode is going to kill me.
As long as it doesn't kill me as bad as losing Rose or Doctor 10.....

I hate that it's ending though. Even for a bit. I just fashioned my iPad to look like River Song's journal, and I even paint my nails TARDIS blue.
I'm slightly obsessed.

I actually have a show that I tape and theoretically watch, but actually pay no attention to. It's stupid, and yet I keep taping it and playing it. I suppose it's good for background noise and not much else. It really is pretty bad. (Sanctuary, for those that were wondering...)
Every now and again I look up and have no clue what's going on.
I could rewind it, but I don't care enough to...

So Torchwood is moving to Starz.
I can't not watch Torchwood.
So do I subscribe?
And True Blood is starting on HBO.
Don't have that either. Crap.
Don't want to pay for them.
I would buy them on iTunes if they were available.
Hmmm.
Can't go without Captain Jack.
No one should.

My rage totally came back.
Somehow it had been sucked out of me.
But it's back.
And I'm not unhappy that it's back.
I feel more like myself.
And I feel ready to bite.

Talked to my dad. He gave me shotgun advice. Matches Stephen's. They're so much alike ha ha.

Well, I must rest my rage. Lest I do something something someone else regrets....

I guess I'm a bit like River, in that I have no problem using a gun... ;)



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Feedback for Delta Airlines

Despite the issue with this flight, honestly everything was fine. Even as anxious as I was to get home, the delay really wasn't a big deal. What bothered me the most was the flight attendant, Woody. He was rude to the extreme and I find this completely unacceptable. I purchased a ticket to bring my very small, quiet, and sleeping dog on the plane. It was explained to me that she needed to remain in her bag at all times, and was to be under the seat at take off and landing. I followed these directions exactly. I even made sure to get her a bag that tethered her to the inside so there was no way she could get out. After the fasten seatbelt light went off, I put the bag in my lap. I unzipped part of a side flap so I could put my arm in the bag up to my elbow so that she could sleep on my arm. I, myself, fell asleep. Woody actually woke me up to tell me that I wasn't to take the bag from under the seat at all during the flight and I must place her back under the seat. So I had to force her under the seat for approximately 3 hours, even though I was following the rules, she was asleep and making no noise, and had paid for her passage. This Woody individual was pompous and his behavior inexcusable. This was a business trip where I had to be gone for an extended stay, which was why I brought the dog. You can be sure that I will avoid this airline and advise my company (Apple, Inc.) to do the same in future. We would never treat a customer so abominably, and I expect no less from Delta. The late and crowded flight was a result of the weather, and I bore that with no ill will. But Woody made my trip absolutely intolerable. He should be ashamed at behavior like that.

Sincerely,
Tara Speck


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Nail

I can do anything I set my mind to- I know that.
But I find that I'm too tired to want.
I've spent so much time clawing my way through things, that I find all I'm really interested in at this point is a manicure.

Which I hate for reasons going way back to my mother when I was little.
But I digress.

I don't want to fight anymore.
I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I don't want to be second.
I don't want to be out-of-reach ideal.
I don't want to be friends.
I don't want to put up with bullshit I don't deserve.

I want my roommate to start actually paying rent.
I want to be able to live my own life without getting dragged into my mother's drama.
I want to feel like I have endless time in front of me to better myself and enjoy things.
I want him to stop it.
I want someone for myself that is as good to me and cares for me as much as Ayrian.
I want to find my love for my job again.
I want my father to come visit.
I want somebody besides my friends to think I'm pretty.
I want to spend more time with Emma.
I want to paint my front door TARDIS blue.
I want an umbrella for the yard.
I want sod for the yard.
I want the dogs to embrace the yard more.
I want what I had.
I want gel nail polish to get cheaper so I can keep my nails the TARDIS blue I like so much. Otherwise I may ditch the cable....

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Location:Villa Fiori Ave,Las Vegas,United States

Trepidation

Trepidation is what I'm overwhelmed with right now.
I got a bunch of crap done today.
I read a little, mopped, tons of laundry.
Paid all the bills.
I even got a UV light so I can do my own nails.

But the pit in my stomach is feels like a black hole, dragging my in by force.
I'm fighting against letting anyone turn anything sour for me.
It's mine and you can't have it.
But the level of uncertainty makes me feel like I'm walking through a mine field.
And I'm super attached to my feet.
They're very cute...

At least none of it was her.
She was actually aiming her fire somewhere else and I accidentally got burned.
That does make me feel loads better.
I have so much respect for her, that had left me bewildered.

But I can't shake this trepidation.
It's all consuming.
You know you're in trouble when you're counting hours...

Ah crap.


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Location:Villa Fiori Ave,Las Vegas,United States

It's a small device world after all...

I didn't want to go.
Not even the tiniest bit.
I wanted to call in.
But that's not my style.
So I go.
And I don't know what's waiting for me and I'm completely on the defensive.

But she was there and I was determined to talk to her.
And I did.
And I got clarity.
And it was so much better.
I ended up with something meant for someone else.
Just a misunderstanding.
Sweet.

And my entire day was mobile queue.
So I didn't have to remember anything. ;)
I spent my whole day making people as happy as I could.
I was even out there till we closed the store.
Just had stuff to do.
And said not one word to the ass.
Have nothing to say.
Well, nothing polite.
And I think he knows I'm pissed, he's leaving me alone.

Talked to Ayrian at lunch.
Called to check on me.
I'm so glad to have his friendship.
He truly cares about me.
I don't know that I can say that about everyone that professes affection for me.

Got rid of the defective smart cover and am rocking a sweet one I found on Amazon for nothing.
Way better.
Those magnets were killing my iPad.
Which was killing me...

I got the hours talk.
It wasn't what I thought it was at all.
So I'm glad I have better clarity on that.

Finished Sookie.
Damn.
I read too fast sometimes.
It of course left off more at the end of a chapter- rather than an ending to a book.
So now I have to wait.
And this time a lot went down.
Ah well.
It's not like I don't still have a pile of other books to read.
I guess I'm just in the mood for Sookie.
I tried reading another book I got and it just took a totally stupid turn.
Not sure I'll keep going.

Worked with Tara P. most of the day and it was totally good.
Glad whatever that was cleared itself.

Melissa said something completely hilarious and of course I can't remember it. But it was something about her phone was all hot and she realized it was because the phone was singing her butt a song. :D

Somebody said I looked like a sketch book the other day.
I'll have to mull that over.

Atlanta completely turned Jim into the guy I used to know.
Yippee. Missed that guy.

I want to escape.
I want to be somewhere else.
I want to work on my house.
I want to be in Astoria for their 200th anniversary.
I want him to stop.

I will settle this evening for a cocktail.


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Location:Villa Fiori Ave,Las Vegas,United States

.....

It was going so well.
I still have so much to learn.
So why would someone who was supporting me completely turn on me like that?
I help everyone to the best of my ability in everything.
I don't understand the uphill struggle I am having to get help.
The second Lenny leaves, I'm the enemy?
What is that?
I never would have expected it from her.
Complete 180.
I'm bewildered and kinda hurt.
I'm hoping it was an accident.

I need a rest.
All this drama.
If I wanted drama, I would have stayed with theatre.
I just want to help people and go home.
To my wonderful little Fraggles.
A lady had a wee little dog today that has the same harness Emma has. This dog was a bit smaller, and had lovely painted green toes.
She was adorable.
But she made me miss Emma so much.
Being with her constantly in Atlanta, I grew used to it.
Now having to leave her behind is really difficult.
If I could strap her to me in a little papoose, I totally would.

**************
I don't even want to go in there.
I don't want or need that kind of negativity.
I won't let it stop me.
I will find a way around it.

**************
It's great to be home.
To be separate.
I even closed my door.
I never do that.
The dogs are all upset.

The escape of a book is what I've chosen.
Sookie's problems are much more interesting than mine right now.

But I don't want to go to work tomorrow.
Not even a little tiny bit.

So Sookie is running from unknown assailants in the woods and the pouring rain.....


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Location:Villa Fiori Ave,Las Vegas,United States

Mondays always get me down....

Was I an inch better? I think I was.
I'm gonna get this.
So satisfying when just know....

Ayrian finally brought his computer in as I'd been telling him to.
All fixed.
And he had a great experience. (Not with me.)


JF recognized him from this blog.
Not today, but when he called out for me yesterday.
Cool.
I'm so lucky to have good friends looking out for me.

So proud of Sam.
Totally found her place.
This is just the beginning.
She is going to do great things. :D

I'm enjoying the latest Sookie Stackhouse.
Even though it's all heavy and paper-y. ;)

And Lindsay laughed so hard she was practically peeing herself, and brought us all along for the ride.
I love that.
One of the special things about where we are.
It was a text gone wrong due to auto-correct, and it was superb.

When I was little, in always wished things like Smurfs were real.
And now I have a house full of Fraggles.
Good stuff.
They are so awesome.
I embrace their uniqueness.

I must get back to Sookie.
I have to know what Eric is hiding and what her cousins are up to.

Muah. <3



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Location:Villa Fiori Ave,Las Vegas,United States

Meets and Greets

It's tough. But it's good.
Baby steps.
You get something wrong, you get something right.
And hopefully the scale starts to tip more towards getting it right.

Meeting all these random people and getting to help them, it's pretty cool.
Just gotta make sure I actually help.

Got some new glasses to help me read the serial numbers.
These eyes are purely for decoration. Not functional.

And another long Sunday.
Always with the long Sundays.
But I'd rather have a longer day than six days.
No more six days.
That was show business, and the hours weren't as long.

And a holiday weekend.
Busy mall.
Ayrian rescued me for lunch.
Although I would have had Lindsay.
He brought his dad. Man, are they alike.
Origins are fun. That piece of the puzzle that suddenly pulls things together.

I'm restless. I feel like there's something I'm supposed to be doing.
And there is. I have a list.
But I don't want to do those things right now.
It's something else.

I'm making myself read my book.
More like I'm making myself stay off the Kindle app.
It's a distracting story.
Oh how I love distractions.

The meeting wasn't bad.
Except for the groups.
I'll just say I didn't like my group, and leave it at that.
I have too many awful things to say.

Why won't he stop?

Back to the book....

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Location:Villa Fiori Ave,Las Vegas,United States

Acclimate

I still haven't completely unpacked. Luggage and open bags still stare at me, half-attended to. I suppose its a sign that I still haven't landed. I'm still floating in-between.

I have so much to do, and I actually have some time, but I can't focus. I got my returns to the post office and that was huge. I got some laundry done and ripped some more stuff for my apple tv. (Any guess why it would let me rip a PAL dvd that couldn't be played in my dvd player? How did it even read a PAL disc without yelling at me about regions?)

I hate the hot coming. As I feel it creeping in, I feel as though I hold my breath, not to breath properly again until fall sets in. I used to think it was partly due to having nothing cute to wear, but I have dispelled that theory. Yes, that song lyric is a favorite, but its also 100% true for me.

The Cold Has a Voice

And it Talks to Me

As I scrubbed through the ripped concert searching for that song, and landed on many years of snippets of lyrics. Cold is a very popular theme. So do I like cold because of them? Or is it that part of why I connected so deeply to them, is that they share my understanding of cold? Hard to say after all these years.

I'm really experimenting with my netflix and letting it suggest all kinds of B movies from the 40s. I've seen a lot of kooky stuff lately. But I made a huge mistake with one. It tends to also suggest dark films (can't think why) and I decided I would watch Teeth. I was wrong. It actually made me nauseous and I had to turn it off. Wow. Watcher Beware.

Have I mentioned how much I love my silly little house? Right now its taking a rather thorough beating from the wind, but the creaks don't bother me. This place is like a cocoon for me. Reflections of my kooky self evident everywhere. And that kind of expression comforts me. Yeah, she's tiny. But she's snug. And Victorian houses were small little boxes much of the time in England- maybe that's part of my comfort and affection. I do love Victorian homes.

My arm itches. My 'burn' tattoo hasn't made much progress, but I suppose the itching is a good sign.

I'm reading the latest Sookie Stackhouse book. And I'm having to force myself to hold the book and not buy it on the kindle app, with the book sitting right here. That's weird. When did that happen? I've always loved reading big, heavy books. Suddenly I want light and self-lit. I don't know how I feel about that. Just one more thing to add to the list of changes.

Well, back to my heavy-ass book. The more I stall, the longer it will take to get back to the iPad....

The end of the beginning

Weird day.
Still confused when I open my eyes in the morning.
I don't know what I'll see.
Still surprised to see my bedroom, and not the big window of my hotel room.

I've been back a week, but I'm still totally lost.
I don't suppose it helps that I still just leave BBC on all the time.
Maybe that was the source of the issue all along. Ha.

Man I was happy to see Lindsay's face today. That little cherub smile just totally relaxed me. It told me someone was gonna have my back all day and that the ass wouldn't be able to touch me.

Although I feel kinda bad.
I think I got him in trouble.
Didn't mean to.
Even if he did bring it on himself.

Damn, I've really missed the ice here.
Eating in Atlanta was so strange.
Much happier on my ice diet ha ha.

I still miss Persephone. I still feel like a part of me is gone.
Sometimes I lay in the bed and imagine her laying next to my head like she would do. That helps a little.

I love working at this mall.
It's so pretty.
I never thought I would ever find any part of Vegas pretty.
But all the trees and shops- they just did a great job.

Ha ha my tattoo still looks like I got in a fight with a wood burning tool.
I may very well have to fix that one...
Such concern in people's voices when they comment on my burn....

Chris Isaak is playing on the mall soundtrack.
I kinda miss him.
He actually makes me think of summer in a positive way.
I should try to go see him again.

***********
Sooooooooooo much better. Eliminating that one element from my day completely made it better. So there's the trick. Just ignore his rude ass.

It went so much more smoothly today. I begin to feel as though I will get this. And now that I really know I have so much more support than not, I actually found myself enjoying things again. I <3 my team. And the ass brought whatever crap storm he lands in on himself.

My first week down and nothing broken. Nothing ruined. No awful customer situations.

Weird shit going on around me. You think I don't see it, but I do. I always do. I'm an observer. That's why I'm so good at talking and saying absolutely nothing. Because I'm actually observing.

It's so funny- I am so helpfully warned to stay away from so many people. Sometimes by the people I've been warned away from. I should probably pay more attention to all of it. Give it more weight. But I can't. I know she's going to burn me again, but I adore her, so what can I do? It's that kind of thing. I just have to be who I am. Besides, it's not like my heart can truly get any more shattered. So I figure I'm good. ;)

I want to dye my hair. But I don't think it can take it. I may chance it anyway. We'll see. It's amazing how much better I feel on my ice diet ha ha. More alive even. Makes absolutely no sense.

Again I have to thank DomDom. So helpful. Just exactly what I need.

So stabbing yourself in the eye with a plastic fork, not such a good idea. Just throwing that out there.

I love my little Fraggles, and I'm off to spend some time with them.

<3

"Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more." - Mark Twain


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Las Vegas Blvd S,Las Vegas,United States

Support

Holy crap support makes a difference.
Did I screw up? Sure. But was it the end of the world? Did anyone talk to me like I was a naughty 5 year old that should know better? Nope.
Because I had support.
When I veered off the path, I just got steered back on, as it should be.
Thank you Stephen.
Thank you Dominique. (She even sent support messages. <3)
Thank you Armando.
Thank you Lenny.
You guys made all the difference. *muah*

Heard from Tiffiny again. Glad we're keeping in touch. She's just... Tiffiny.

Ayrian joined me for lunch. That was super fun. Wish we could do that more often. Good friends are worth everything. I think he actually sees me. I may have said that before, but it bears repeating. I can't say how much I appreciate being truly seen and then still adored ha ha..... ;) Rare gift, that. And I treasure it as well as his friendship.

And again, it goes back to support. I have his support, too. He had some interesting comments about what he surveyed. :D

There's still a piece missing. I was tempted to ask Mr Blue if he has a waiting list I could sign up for....
But seriously, so there's one piece missing. That's really not so bad.

Because I have support.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Villa Fiori Ave,Las Vegas,United States

Timey-Wimey

I don't think I was gone long enough to have forgotten how to drive. But my drive to work today was dodgy at best. I was a straight up menace. Sheesh.

Grrr I hate this limbo feeling. I feel like I'm out of phase. Like I'm only partly here. Like when Geordi had his transporter accident or when the Doctor had to save all those planets from being like one second out of time sync with the rest of the universe.

Man I have a nose for finding what's not mine. If only I could find a way to make that profitable in some way. So far it's just been detrimental to my health. Someday totally has to be my day. Just has to, right?

I love the Vampire Diaries. I have admitted this guilty secret before. But there's a subtle theme that runs through it that seemed to catch my attention more in the last couple episodes of the season. In their universe, vampires have a switch. They can just flip the switch and have no emotions. Or they can leave it on and feel things even more intensely. I find myself wanting the switch. I think a lot of people want the switch. I think people search out their own form of the switch whether they know it or not. But for me, something has shifted so profoundly that my work-arounds have ceased to function. So everything is there, hammering at me all my waking hours. I can't turn it off. In some ways it's cool because everything is so sharp. But again, as I said, everything is so sharp.....

I know what I want. And I know that I need to appreciate that. I've always known pieces of it. It has just wound around and changed and gone back through time. But the picture is more clear than it has ever been. But OK, so I know. Now what? I need action items....

I have no idea what this Friday the 13th tattoo is going to turn into. Right now everyone thinks I was burned. That makes me giggle.

So there was a drawer open behind the bar and I of course walked right into it. Like there was a magnet. Full speed ahead into the steel drawer. I bounced off of it I hit it so hard and right into Bobby. Told you I was a menace. Stephen said I should do yoga. I told him that I do- and I do it well. I can even dance on a stage gracefully. Walking, however, seems to be a supreme challenge that I am not up to. I can actually feel the bruise through my jeans. Ick.

Actually got a chance to talk to Lenny a bit today. So glad Joseph is gone. Having Lenny just shines that much brighter of a light on Joseph's failings. It's funny though, he doesn't seem to understand my discombobulation either. Maybe I am reacting strangely. It doesn't really matter. This is me. And my stride is off. Eh. It'll come back.

It's funny to think, but I'm old. Not in my heart. Not in my mind. But I've been wandering this earth for a long ass time. Huh. It makes me think. Not that that's a hard thing to do. But as another birthday just passed and was largely ignored, I can't help but not ignore. It shapes the way you see things.

****
OK that completely sucked. I completely sucked. I find that I really hate being out there without support. Which is kinda weird for someone who likes standing alone. I see that. But I made it up as I went along cause no one was there and then got totally unhelpful feedback about mistakes I made because I didn't know the alternatives. I'm gonna suck sometimes. But I gotta have support and help. Not ass. And though I asked the ass to stop many times, it just kept going. That's so not helpful. I have good intent. I will make mistakes. It's going to be really hard to improve while being shit on.

And maybe getting my head literally knocked into the steel wall didn't help either.

I think I feel the worst about Val thinking I'm no good. Bobby can be as shitty as he wants. But I hate disappointing Val.

Got a message from Tiffiny. That was so unexpected and so awesome. Miss that girl. She was so fun. She misses me too, she says. :)

Dammit where's that switch.

It'll get better when I shift back into phase. When my universe is only in one place again. No good when it's just a timey-wimey mess.

Oh if only there was a blue box......

I want my Ayrian. As I passed, the house was dark. Poo.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:S Las Vegas Blvd,Enterprise,United States

And it begins

It's so strange to find a familiar place so suddenly unfamiliar.

Who are these people?
Why does that cute boy only 'sort of' have blue hair?
And what the hell is a hipster? Didn't they go out in like the 50's or something?
What the hell happened with the buckets and iRepair?
Is Tara P mad at me for something? I feel stabs of negativity strongly sent in my direction.
How on earth could the mobile devices have gotten even worse while I was gone? I seriously cannot get one to cooperate properly. Which doubly blows as I'm still constantly on the mobile queue.
I think I was rude to someone on accident. But I honestly don't even know where I stand with him, so I don't know if it even matters. But I guess it bothers me. I didn't mean to be rude. But he caught me off guard. I mean, I didn't expect to see him, and I suppose I didn't even expect him to talk to me. But then my face must have done that thing it does, cause he looked all hurt. Oops.
I am still totally caught between time zones.
Having Lenny around is pretty freakin' cool.
Having Lindsay call out is not cool.
Seriously, what's with the blue hair?
Valerie's hair was super awesome today. Just brilliant.
Mia is still a cunt.
I really hate having to look at her.
And I hate it even more when other people are nice to her when they don't mean it. Boils my blood, that.

Val and I discussed it, and we decided that these new hipsters are just like the old ones. I feel better.
The bar is better than teaching. Period.
I've been getting an awful lot of "I missed you". Didn't see that coming. Totally didn't. Never thought for a second anyone would miss me. I mean, why? Truly?
There's a girlfriend I bet. There always is.
I like helping people. Even when I'm freaking crazy tired. And damn am I tired. I want to sleep for like a month.






- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:S Las Vegas Blvd,Enterprise,United States