I don't think I was gone long enough to have forgotten how to drive. But my drive to work today was dodgy at best. I was a straight up menace. Sheesh.
Grrr I hate this limbo feeling. I feel like I'm out of phase. Like I'm only partly here. Like when Geordi had his transporter accident or when the Doctor had to save all those planets from being like one second out of time sync with the rest of the universe.
Man I have a nose for finding what's not mine. If only I could find a way to make that profitable in some way. So far it's just been detrimental to my health. Someday totally has to be my day. Just has to, right?
I love the Vampire Diaries. I have admitted this guilty secret before. But there's a subtle theme that runs through it that seemed to catch my attention more in the last couple episodes of the season. In their universe, vampires have a switch. They can just flip the switch and have no emotions. Or they can leave it on and feel things even more intensely. I find myself wanting the switch. I think a lot of people want the switch. I think people search out their own form of the switch whether they know it or not. But for me, something has shifted so profoundly that my work-arounds have ceased to function. So everything is there, hammering at me all my waking hours. I can't turn it off. In some ways it's cool because everything is so sharp. But again, as I said, everything is so sharp.....
I know what I want. And I know that I need to appreciate that. I've always known pieces of it. It has just wound around and changed and gone back through time. But the picture is more clear than it has ever been. But OK, so I know. Now what? I need action items....
I have no idea what this Friday the 13th tattoo is going to turn into. Right now everyone thinks I was burned. That makes me giggle.
So there was a drawer open behind the bar and I of course walked right into it. Like there was a magnet. Full speed ahead into the steel drawer. I bounced off of it I hit it so hard and right into Bobby. Told you I was a menace. Stephen said I should do yoga. I told him that I do- and I do it well. I can even dance on a stage gracefully. Walking, however, seems to be a supreme challenge that I am not up to. I can actually feel the bruise through my jeans. Ick.
Actually got a chance to talk to Lenny a bit today. So glad Joseph is gone. Having Lenny just shines that much brighter of a light on Joseph's failings. It's funny though, he doesn't seem to understand my discombobulation either. Maybe I am reacting strangely. It doesn't really matter. This is me. And my stride is off. Eh. It'll come back.
It's funny to think, but I'm old. Not in my heart. Not in my mind. But I've been wandering this earth for a long ass time. Huh. It makes me think. Not that that's a hard thing to do. But as another birthday just passed and was largely ignored, I can't help but not ignore. It shapes the way you see things.
****
OK that completely sucked. I completely sucked. I find that I really hate being out there without support. Which is kinda weird for someone who likes standing alone. I see that. But I made it up as I went along cause no one was there and then got totally unhelpful feedback about mistakes I made because I didn't know the alternatives. I'm gonna suck sometimes. But I gotta have support and help. Not ass. And though I asked the ass to stop many times, it just kept going. That's so not helpful. I have good intent. I will make mistakes. It's going to be really hard to improve while being shit on.
And maybe getting my head literally knocked into the steel wall didn't help either.
I think I feel the worst about Val thinking I'm no good. Bobby can be as shitty as he wants. But I hate disappointing Val.
Got a message from Tiffiny. That was so unexpected and so awesome. Miss that girl. She was so fun. She misses me too, she says. :)
Dammit where's that switch.
It'll get better when I shift back into phase. When my universe is only in one place again. No good when it's just a timey-wimey mess.
Oh if only there was a blue box......
I want my Ayrian. As I passed, the house was dark. Poo.
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