Lyric

Today was rough.
Who knew caffeine could cause so much drama?
I bounced off the bottom again.
I don't even know how I got there.

No matter what I tried, I just couldn't get past it.
But now the day is done and I can start over.
I mean, tomorrow has to be better.

Lyrics from songs faded through my head like pieces of half finished stories.
Bits and pieces of my life past or not yet lived.
Never an entire tune.
Just a whisper.
But constant and unrelenting.

It mirrored my fragmented self.
All the bits of me that are just floating in the same general area, but not actually connected.

Maybe if I complete the song, the fragments will lessen.

Rainbow is doing Oliver (again) this season.
That was the first show I was ever in with them.
I'm toying with the idea of having it be the last show, too.
Full circle.
I have a feeling I could nail the part of Nancy.
Which would be so much more fun than playing one of the orphan boys like I did back then.
If I'm not mistaken, Oliver was when I met Ayrian too.
A production long after mine, he was also an orphan boy.
Hmmmm....
Something to consider.
Hell, it'd be fun for a bunch of us to try for it.
I think Tim played Sykes that last time too.
We could get the gang back together again for one last hurrah.

And there goes another lyric...
Butterfly, butterfly....


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Villa Fiori Ave,Las Vegas,United States

My Day

I put Emma's new tag on so I can take her wherever I like.
I made a feeble attempt at cleaning up last night's mess from dinner.
Ashley, Ayrian, and I sure did spread out the pizza mess all over.

I went to a new Dr. and he actually knows what the hell he's doing.
I may actually get to sleep at night.
Man, that would be so great.
But I've been ordered to give up caffeine. No black tea. :(

Checked in with Ayrian since his phone was dead. Felt so weird and old-fashioned to be stopping by someone's house to communicate. Thank goodness he's just down the street.
So we made plans to get the phone fixed later and I popped off home.
Put some furniture together, as I do.
The time came and went and no sign of the boy.
Dead phone though still.
Lowered my own phone bill some more on the line I hardly use.
One more thing accomplished.
Then a knock.
And off to the store we were to get the phone fixed.
Ah, communication restored.
Claim Jumper for food and laughter. And ice of course.
Then to Fry's for a drive enclosure and blood for the fridge.
Walgreens for new prescription and Ayrian in the toy aisle talking to some random guys, as he tends to do.
Ace for something to fix my garage door that was making a death sound.

Home again and he's off to fix the door and Ashley is in the kitchen making dinner. Making me eat. Healthy stuff too.
It was all so very domestic.
He proudly shows us the fixed door.
She serves up food.
He wants to go check in on his woman, so just me and Ash for dinner this time.
He's made a good choice and I'm so happy for him.
Though it does remind me of what I don't have.

And then it's like nine and we're both ready for bed. So sad.
I could say we both had really long days.
That would even be true.
But seriously?
In bed at nine?
Alone?
Sheesh.

In so many ways today was an inner struggle.
But it was also an afternoon out with my bestie.
Lindsay made him smile and that is just one of the best sights.
And Jim regaled him with fantastic Teller stories.
That high pitched squeak of a laugh with the crinkly smile is just magic to me. Makes me smile just thinking about it.
I never have to translate.

Still my mind raced.
What you want and what is actually good for you seem to rarely be in harmony.
I wanted to reach out. The pull was so very strong.
What harm could it do?
But I know I can't. It's no good. It's not healthy.
Oh but the struggle.
Even now it's so strong.
So I'll find a way to distract myself.
Before I make a mistake I can't take back.


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Novel idea

Here's a novel idea.
I'm getting some comments (from the lurkers) that they don't understand some of what I'm saying.
Well I know this is way out there, but why don't you ask me?
Leave a comment!
Text me!
Post on my wall!
Tweet!
You could even go way out and call!

I'm actually rather accessible, and as this blog is open, there are no secrets, nothing I don't stand behind.

And thanks Clark.
I thought that was pretty funny, too.
You shoulda seen the guy....
He looked so very bewildered. ;)


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Location:Villa Fiori Ave,Las Vegas,United States

See

I see a lot of greenery that shouldn't actually be here, but makes it pretty all the same.
I see the misters are on and wonder how much water they waste.
I see a lot of people walking very slowly.
I see more girls than I should wearing ridiculous heels.
I see this beautiful cup of crushed ice in front of me.
I see a stupid red truck that's been parked there way too long.
I see a guy with a bluetooth that doesn't look like he actually understands what's in his ear.
I see people wearing things you'd have to threaten me in a really good way to get me to wear.
I see the empty chair across from me that is supposed to be filled with my beautiful Ayrian.
I see the absence of his smile.
I see that his phone is off and he's probably handling a crisis. Or just fucking around.
I see that it is definitely ice cream season.
I see tons of babies in strollers. And I see that I'm glad they belong to someone else.
I see a creepy lurker guy walking way too slowly for it to be the heat.
I see peacefulness. The lull brought on by the heat actually has value.
I see that I seem to have purists out there reading my crap and not bothering to comment. Yes, I'm looking at you.
I see the the same armored truck lady I just saw in our store going into another one. And I see that is a job I would not want.
I see that bench from here. And I see that I don't harbor it the ill will I once did. And I see that I am pleased.
I see that I am completely alone, and that I'm pretty good company.
I see that I am quite curious as to what others would say on the subject.
I see shades of grey, but hardly ever black and white.
I see older people holding hands and it makes me smile. Happy and envious at the same time.
I see that there must be a million things right in front of me that I'm missing.
I see people going about their business, and not one of them has had their face buried in their phone. Cool.
I see people dressed too warmly and seriously regretting it.
And I see that I should get back to work....

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Location:Coffe Bean, Town Square

Discuss

I have a topic I would like to seriously talk about.
I want everyone's honest opinion.
I think we could have a good dialogue about this.

Gender roles have kinda gone to hell.
Consequently, we find ourselves making it up as we go along.

What I want to know is, what makes a person intimidating?
What makes them desirable?
What happens when you find just what you want, and that scares you?

And yet amongst this, we have a fair amount of people running off and getting hitched.

So what are your thoughts?
Your honest true thoughts?
I really want to understand this.
You can be anonymous if you want.
I just want to know what everyone thinks.

Thanks.


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Location:Heaven or Las Vegas

Second Go

First half of shift was mac queue, and I did good.
I helped people.
And I worked with Jim and it was awesome teamwork.
Little by little, I get better every day.
Things fall into place.
I can take the time to think about it. I do know it- it's in there somewhere.
And not so hard to access anymore.

So despite my Dr fiasco, I still feel a bit better.
Since I can't get help right now, I have to do it myself.
I'm just working that much harder, and the rest makes that possible.
I'm so determined to get to where I need to be.
I just have to remember not to overdo it.
That is definitely a problem for me.

Erik is coming to the store and that makes me SO happy.
I'll be seeing his shy, hidden little smile all the time and that's gonna be so awesome. Having him back after all this time will be such a great thing. Just having him around makes me happy. :)

So my sister is swearing off men for a while, and I can't say I blame her.
The weird bit was listening to her list of the exact same complaints I have.
Not second best, not afterthought, not consolation prize. Wow.
What exactly is so scary about strong women?

I was talking to Ashley about it. About how I seem to have the effect of, "Run away! Run away!"
She said I was the rabbit from Monty Python- which is exactly what I was saying- and we had a good laugh. But it's pretty sad all the same....

So Ashley was making pasta with mushrooms for dinner.
But she had no sauce.
So I'm not really sure what's gonna happen.
But I am actually gonna consume mushrooms, and that's an event in itself.
I did say I was determined to get better. Even if it means eating mushrooms....


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Coffe Bean, Town Square

Crap

I just lost my whole post.
Now I have to rewrite it.
I hate Facebook.


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Ice

So I've discovered that I eat so much ice that the poor icemaker can't keep up with me. Literally.

Holy crap.

I had no idea I ate that much ice.

I ventured into doing my own gel nails. I totally did it. No more crazy expensive manicures.

I searched for a new Dr. Called the insurance company and everything. They gave me names to call. I'm on waiting lists. Yikes. But if I can find a Dr that doesn't have his head up his ass, I guess its worth the wait.

In the meantime, however, that means I'm on my own. I will try my hardest to do the best I can, but this might be a bit bumpy. Sorry in advance.

Chemicals

So it's not really a secret, though I don't spend my spare time discussing it, but I have a rather severe anxiety disorder. I've been treating it for a while.
Sometimes it's like it's not there, and sometimes- like the past few days- I talk too fast and my heart palpitates and I have nightmares and I hyperventilate.... I could go on, but you get the idea.

But here's the kicker.
I would actually like to get better.
I would like this to be a mere side note.
A side effect of my eccentricities.
But when I told my Dr I wanted to get better, he just stared at me.
He told me I should have a positive conversation with myself.
I told him I already do that all the time- that's how I manage to do as well as I do.
Then he said there was nothing more he could do for me and handed me a prescription for the same stuff I already have.
I spoke of active things to try to combat this, like gardening and getting my dog certified as a therapy dog, and it was like I was speaking Russian all of the sudden.
I still can't get over the way he stared at me.
And when he wrote me a note for work, he complained that there would be a lot of paperwork involved. I said it was OK, I didn't really need one, but then he seemed to feel like he had to write it anyway.
So I made sure it was within the limit where I don't actually need a note.
I'd hate to think what would happen if he had more paperwork... (?WTF?)

Aren't we supposed to try to better ourselves?
Aren't we supposed to try everything we can?

I already contacted my healthcare people and requested a new Dr.
This is silly.
A goofy chemical imbalance is interfering in my life and I want to make it stop- and without just having random pills thrown at me all the time.
That can't possibly be too much to ask.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Villa Fiori Ave,Las Vegas,United States

River

I find that anxiety and stress are overwhelming me right now and I don't like it. So I'm looking into making Emma a service dog. No lie. Want to take her around with me like a little stress pill.

This weekend is the mid-season finale of Doctor Who. We find out who River Song is. I wonder if any of my suspicions are right.
I have a feeling the episode is going to kill me.
As long as it doesn't kill me as bad as losing Rose or Doctor 10.....

I hate that it's ending though. Even for a bit. I just fashioned my iPad to look like River Song's journal, and I even paint my nails TARDIS blue.
I'm slightly obsessed.

I actually have a show that I tape and theoretically watch, but actually pay no attention to. It's stupid, and yet I keep taping it and playing it. I suppose it's good for background noise and not much else. It really is pretty bad. (Sanctuary, for those that were wondering...)
Every now and again I look up and have no clue what's going on.
I could rewind it, but I don't care enough to...

So Torchwood is moving to Starz.
I can't not watch Torchwood.
So do I subscribe?
And True Blood is starting on HBO.
Don't have that either. Crap.
Don't want to pay for them.
I would buy them on iTunes if they were available.
Hmmm.
Can't go without Captain Jack.
No one should.

My rage totally came back.
Somehow it had been sucked out of me.
But it's back.
And I'm not unhappy that it's back.
I feel more like myself.
And I feel ready to bite.

Talked to my dad. He gave me shotgun advice. Matches Stephen's. They're so much alike ha ha.

Well, I must rest my rage. Lest I do something something someone else regrets....

I guess I'm a bit like River, in that I have no problem using a gun... ;)



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Feedback for Delta Airlines

Despite the issue with this flight, honestly everything was fine. Even as anxious as I was to get home, the delay really wasn't a big deal. What bothered me the most was the flight attendant, Woody. He was rude to the extreme and I find this completely unacceptable. I purchased a ticket to bring my very small, quiet, and sleeping dog on the plane. It was explained to me that she needed to remain in her bag at all times, and was to be under the seat at take off and landing. I followed these directions exactly. I even made sure to get her a bag that tethered her to the inside so there was no way she could get out. After the fasten seatbelt light went off, I put the bag in my lap. I unzipped part of a side flap so I could put my arm in the bag up to my elbow so that she could sleep on my arm. I, myself, fell asleep. Woody actually woke me up to tell me that I wasn't to take the bag from under the seat at all during the flight and I must place her back under the seat. So I had to force her under the seat for approximately 3 hours, even though I was following the rules, she was asleep and making no noise, and had paid for her passage. This Woody individual was pompous and his behavior inexcusable. This was a business trip where I had to be gone for an extended stay, which was why I brought the dog. You can be sure that I will avoid this airline and advise my company (Apple, Inc.) to do the same in future. We would never treat a customer so abominably, and I expect no less from Delta. The late and crowded flight was a result of the weather, and I bore that with no ill will. But Woody made my trip absolutely intolerable. He should be ashamed at behavior like that.

Sincerely,
Tara Speck


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Nail

I can do anything I set my mind to- I know that.
But I find that I'm too tired to want.
I've spent so much time clawing my way through things, that I find all I'm really interested in at this point is a manicure.

Which I hate for reasons going way back to my mother when I was little.
But I digress.

I don't want to fight anymore.
I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I don't want to be second.
I don't want to be out-of-reach ideal.
I don't want to be friends.
I don't want to put up with bullshit I don't deserve.

I want my roommate to start actually paying rent.
I want to be able to live my own life without getting dragged into my mother's drama.
I want to feel like I have endless time in front of me to better myself and enjoy things.
I want him to stop it.
I want someone for myself that is as good to me and cares for me as much as Ayrian.
I want to find my love for my job again.
I want my father to come visit.
I want somebody besides my friends to think I'm pretty.
I want to spend more time with Emma.
I want to paint my front door TARDIS blue.
I want an umbrella for the yard.
I want sod for the yard.
I want the dogs to embrace the yard more.
I want what I had.
I want gel nail polish to get cheaper so I can keep my nails the TARDIS blue I like so much. Otherwise I may ditch the cable....

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Location:Villa Fiori Ave,Las Vegas,United States

Trepidation

Trepidation is what I'm overwhelmed with right now.
I got a bunch of crap done today.
I read a little, mopped, tons of laundry.
Paid all the bills.
I even got a UV light so I can do my own nails.

But the pit in my stomach is feels like a black hole, dragging my in by force.
I'm fighting against letting anyone turn anything sour for me.
It's mine and you can't have it.
But the level of uncertainty makes me feel like I'm walking through a mine field.
And I'm super attached to my feet.
They're very cute...

At least none of it was her.
She was actually aiming her fire somewhere else and I accidentally got burned.
That does make me feel loads better.
I have so much respect for her, that had left me bewildered.

But I can't shake this trepidation.
It's all consuming.
You know you're in trouble when you're counting hours...

Ah crap.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Villa Fiori Ave,Las Vegas,United States

It's a small device world after all...

I didn't want to go.
Not even the tiniest bit.
I wanted to call in.
But that's not my style.
So I go.
And I don't know what's waiting for me and I'm completely on the defensive.

But she was there and I was determined to talk to her.
And I did.
And I got clarity.
And it was so much better.
I ended up with something meant for someone else.
Just a misunderstanding.
Sweet.

And my entire day was mobile queue.
So I didn't have to remember anything. ;)
I spent my whole day making people as happy as I could.
I was even out there till we closed the store.
Just had stuff to do.
And said not one word to the ass.
Have nothing to say.
Well, nothing polite.
And I think he knows I'm pissed, he's leaving me alone.

Talked to Ayrian at lunch.
Called to check on me.
I'm so glad to have his friendship.
He truly cares about me.
I don't know that I can say that about everyone that professes affection for me.

Got rid of the defective smart cover and am rocking a sweet one I found on Amazon for nothing.
Way better.
Those magnets were killing my iPad.
Which was killing me...

I got the hours talk.
It wasn't what I thought it was at all.
So I'm glad I have better clarity on that.

Finished Sookie.
Damn.
I read too fast sometimes.
It of course left off more at the end of a chapter- rather than an ending to a book.
So now I have to wait.
And this time a lot went down.
Ah well.
It's not like I don't still have a pile of other books to read.
I guess I'm just in the mood for Sookie.
I tried reading another book I got and it just took a totally stupid turn.
Not sure I'll keep going.

Worked with Tara P. most of the day and it was totally good.
Glad whatever that was cleared itself.

Melissa said something completely hilarious and of course I can't remember it. But it was something about her phone was all hot and she realized it was because the phone was singing her butt a song. :D

Somebody said I looked like a sketch book the other day.
I'll have to mull that over.

Atlanta completely turned Jim into the guy I used to know.
Yippee. Missed that guy.

I want to escape.
I want to be somewhere else.
I want to work on my house.
I want to be in Astoria for their 200th anniversary.
I want him to stop.

I will settle this evening for a cocktail.


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Location:Villa Fiori Ave,Las Vegas,United States

.....

It was going so well.
I still have so much to learn.
So why would someone who was supporting me completely turn on me like that?
I help everyone to the best of my ability in everything.
I don't understand the uphill struggle I am having to get help.
The second Lenny leaves, I'm the enemy?
What is that?
I never would have expected it from her.
Complete 180.
I'm bewildered and kinda hurt.
I'm hoping it was an accident.

I need a rest.
All this drama.
If I wanted drama, I would have stayed with theatre.
I just want to help people and go home.
To my wonderful little Fraggles.
A lady had a wee little dog today that has the same harness Emma has. This dog was a bit smaller, and had lovely painted green toes.
She was adorable.
But she made me miss Emma so much.
Being with her constantly in Atlanta, I grew used to it.
Now having to leave her behind is really difficult.
If I could strap her to me in a little papoose, I totally would.

**************
I don't even want to go in there.
I don't want or need that kind of negativity.
I won't let it stop me.
I will find a way around it.

**************
It's great to be home.
To be separate.
I even closed my door.
I never do that.
The dogs are all upset.

The escape of a book is what I've chosen.
Sookie's problems are much more interesting than mine right now.

But I don't want to go to work tomorrow.
Not even a little tiny bit.

So Sookie is running from unknown assailants in the woods and the pouring rain.....


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Villa Fiori Ave,Las Vegas,United States